Insatiable

Welcome to Sutra a Day.

Last night, I went climbing with my friend S.  Climbing with her is always an adventure, and not because it’s climbing. Beyond navigating color-coded routes on brownish gray walls in a gym filled with adolescents, hanging by ones fingertips, inhaling chalk dust, and the elation of solving a problem by uniting both body and mind – the reason to do it, there is the distraction.

S is an angry human. Always. Angry. Never ever ever is anything ever good enough. She’s not climbing as well as she wants. Angry. She’s gained too much muscle, too bulky, angry. Her ex-husband parents differently than she does. Angry. Her ex-husband has the career she should have had but gave up to be with him. Angry. Then she shares that she already has almost 500K saved for her kids college. She’s proud of herself. Pride. She is three quarters anger and one quarter pride.

Her kids were at the gym. I asked one what he was reading. It was called “Mental toughness for young athletes.” My mom wants me to read it, he told me. Is it good? I asked. He shrugged. They will be the kids who have everything, but also their mom’s inability to ever be satisfied. I can’t tell her this. 

I also love her. She is a good human who is looking to be loved. She will fiercely defend the people she cares about with that same anger. 

I wish she hurt less. I wish she loved climbing more. She says she does, but I don’t believe her. So much anger. I think she has lived a life that doesn’t match the vision she had for herself. And she wants to blame her ex-husband. And outwardly, she does. She blames him. The system. She finds discrimination and gender bias everywhere. But I think this is all to avoid the weight of that crushing anger she actually feels towards herself.

I wish she hurt less. Most of us are living lives that don’t match a vision we had and trying to figure it out. I sure am. How do we heal?

Today we do 3. See no evil, hear no evil, sleep no evil?

8. Viparyayo mithyajnanam atadrupa pratistham. “Misconception occurs when knowledge of something is not based on it’s true form.”

Sri Satchidananda gives the example of seeing a coiled rope in the twilight and mistaking it for a snake, which prompts fear when there is nothing to be afraid of.  I might go a step further than this.

What causes the metaphorical twilight? Is it fear, is it anxiety? Is it our ego-born emotions that have an image of us as something more than what we are? How do we find the light or see truth in the darkness? Fear isn’t all bad. Sometimes the snake is the snake. And fear is evolutionary. It’s telling us something.  Of course I don’t like bad and good dichotomies in the first place. Our emotions though, they are a filter. We see things differently. And they are bound to our ego.

9. Sbdajnananupati vastu sunyo vialpah. “A image that arises on hearing mere words without any reality as its basis is verbal delusion.”

Verbal delusion. Whereas misconception seems to be about believing the things we tell ourselves, verbal delusion seems more about believing others even when things are completely logically inconsistent or impossible.  

Satchidananda gives examples of this, but they weren’t helpful to me.  They were very mundane – for example a story of removing the tires from a car after an accident then driving to the mechanic to get the car fixed. The listener, instead of questioning – asks, oh my, was it a bad accident? Instead of noticing if all the tires were removed one couldn’t drive to the mechanic. 

In faith, we are often asked to believe stories that may seem to defy the logic of our mind. I think this sutra is a reminder though that other people’s stories aren’t necessarily the right stories, we hear what we are predisposed to hear.

I think the real key here is to be mindful, to listen deeply when others speak. 

10. Abhava pratyayalamabana vrttir nidra. “That mental modification supported by cognition of nothingness is sleep.”

Satchidananda describes this fourth type of modification as a single remaining thought of emptiness in the mind. There seems to be an idea that awareness in and of itself is a modification. Since being alive includes awareness, whether it’s cognition of nothingness or looking out the window at the tree that changes with the season, I’m not sure what this is meant to mean. 

Perhaps it’s meant to tell us that since as humans we require at least some sleep, that in our human lives, enlightenment can never be a permanent state. Sleep that is truly nothingness feels good. My thoughts are restless at night. How we sleep may impact our ability to perceive, our emotions, and even our ability to be present and listen mindfully. Sleep. I wouldn’t have considered this as a “mental modification.” We heal when we sleep. When we rest. Some of us need a lot of healing. 

I’m trying to come up with something wise here for this one and I’m simply not. I’m confused.