Bound By Love

Welcome to Sutra A Day.

I have been remiss. In the past couple of days, my brain has been completely full. There have been disappointments, there have been plans and possibilities, there have been injuries, there has been overwhelm. 

So I’m going to skip my flowery intro. My finger hurts. I feel itchy in my skin. I feel fear. I feel like something in my life has to give but nothing seems possible TO give. I feel restless and lost. I see time flying by but the to do list remains the same. 

I took a yoga class on Friday night from a classmate in yoga teacher training. She has already taught 6 times. She was amazing. I teach for my second time this Friday. It’s hard not to compare. I don’t know where she finds the time to work full time and do this.  I am drowning. My class will not be that good. Lilly will not swarm about how amazing I am and how safe she feels. Of course that’s the measure, right. The validation of others. I want to cry. 

I alternate between hope and possibility and excitement at the various things I’m juggling and complete intense overwhelm because I want to give all of them my all and I can give none of them my all and I can’t pick. What I’d truly pick is to let go of my job, but I can’t do that. That, is what pays the bills. 

Not only is this not flowery, it’s a mental garbage dump. Apologies. I’ve also been procrastinating simply because I don’t want to write about these next three sutras. Not at all. But I promised a sutra a day (give or take) and I was not skipping sutras. So here I go. This will be the post that time forgot.

Addicted to Searching

14. Sa tu dirgha kala nairantarya satkarasevito drdhabhumih. “Practice becomes firmly grounded when well attended to for a long time, without break and in all earnestness.”

Patience, devotion, faith. There are the three qualities that Sri Satchidananda claims are embodied in this sutra. I think he’s right. So, here’s a problem. These are the things that a searcher like me can really struggle with.

Searchers search. And searching is sometimes driven by a deep yearning for the divine. But when that divine doesn’t show up, searchers keep searching. Searchers may try a new path, may remember that saying that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Faith is a tough one for a searcher, like me. I have faith that the divine is out there, but I lose faith in everything else. So the patience and devotion to a particular way or path can wane. Even now, I feel myself losing faith – in myself. It’s hard to remember that I am part of the divine.  

Sometimes I feel so far not just from the divine but from myself (apparently a host to the divine or a part of it) and the map to return is lost. Satchidananda gives a story of seekers in the forest who are told that they need to wait lifetimes, count leaves, whatever it is to reach heaven. One is upset about his instructions, the other happily starts even though it seems onerous and that one is granted entry to heaven sooner – because that one had faith – but also patience and devotion. 

The thing is, both of them were given a map, so to speak. Instructions. Patience, devotion and faith might be a bit easier with instructions. And perhaps, once again, that’s what the sutras are. Or the Bible. Or the Quran. Or the Four Agreements. But we are not told which is the right path for us. I say for us because they all have common wisdom for living life. Intention. Love. Unity. Grace. 

Someone said the other day that we are human beings, not human doings. The map is an internal one. I just can’t seem to find it yet. 

No further comment your honor, next sutra. 

15. Drstanusravika visaya vitrsnaya vasikara samjna vairagram. “The consciousness of self-mastery in one who is free from craving from objects seen or heard about is non-attachment.”

Satchi makes the distinction here between non-attachment and indifference. Nonattachment is not the same as indifference – which is good. Indifference is incompatible with unity, with kindness, with compassion, with love. And these things don’t occur without occasional sadness and disappointment. So how do we feel, care, connect, how do we ensure that our motivations are coming from a place of love – from the divine – and also detach from the outcomes of things. I think that’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves, really. But I think at the heart of this sutra, is not attaching to “objects” – not attaching to having things or needing things, to personal possessions, glory or achievements. It goes back to the selfishness – selfish intent never leads to the right result even if on the surface at times it appears to. Intent matters. Outcomes matter less.

Still, I find myself praying for outcomes and answers, don’t I? Dear God, if you can hear me, please help my find a way to do X. For example. Those words have definitely escaped my lips.

When instead I should be praying for help remaining true to acting out of love. 

16. Tat param Purusa khyater gunavaitrsnyam. “Where there is non-thirst for even the gunas due to the realization of the Purusa, that is supreme non attachment.”

There are three gunas (not to be confused with iguanas). Most of you probably know this if you are reading this. They are the basic elements of nature in all objects and beings. They are rajas, tamas, and sattva. Rajas is energy and action, tamas is the sedentary, slowness, and sattva is a balance – this is my quick simplification. Basically, the non-attachment described in the previous sutra is conscious – we recognize our attachments and then mitigate them. In this sutra, we’ve moved beyond our habits or memories – what are called samskara.  My personal samskara is to move or change jobs every time I get uncomfortable with life. Or to pile too many things on, lose focus and create a situation in which I lose confidence in my dharma, my self, whatever it is. 

This sort of supreme nonattachment is not something that can be permanent (nothing is).  But having experienced it will inform our practice, inform that faith and devotion and the everyday nonattachment. 

Satchi reminds us that we live in the world. This sort of nonattachment isn’t permanently possible. But he says keep the heart in God and the head in the world and do not be bound by any “thing.”

Instead – I would argue – be bound by love.